this is a blog that’s been on my mind for awhile now. because of that, it won’t come out as eloquently as it did in my mind, over and over, but i never can transfer directly from me to screen.
things have changed.
we watch CNN now instead of MTV.
we tape Gossip Girl now instead of crowding in the dorm commons to view The OC.
we watch jeopardy and complete crosswords.
we are outraged when we get texts after 11pm on friday nights telling us to come to parties.
1) we’re already in pjs
2) we’d much rather stay in the comfort of our own home
we get pissed at the trash left in the halls by the neighbors.
we get angry when the neighbors play music above normal listening level.
1) don’t they have eardrums?
2) what is this, party time or college?
we get up at 6am to go student teaching.
we get up at 8am to go to the gym.
we go to bed at 10pm to get enough sleep.
we leave for weeks at a time to audition for grad schools.
we spend weekends in our practice rooms and scholar study rooms, respectively.
we drink coffee by the gallon.
we worry about the future.
we have nervous breakdowns.
we budget.
we search craigslist.
we read the new york times.
we plan to go out to parties, but never do.
we eat our vegetables.
we buy toilet paper (sometimes… hah)
we buy dish detergent, trash bags, paper towels, etc.
we vote.
but mostly, we count the days. there are so few left.
stole from cris
99 things
All things bolded are things I’ve done:
1. Started your own blog
2. Slept under the stars
3. Played in a band
4. Visited Hawaii
5. Watched a meteor shower
6. Given more than you can afford to charity
7. Been to Disneyland
8. Climbed a mountain
9. Held a praying mantis
10. Sang a solo
11. Bungee jumped
12. Visited Paris
13. Watched a lightning storm at sea
14. Taught yourself an art from scratch
15. Adopted a child
16. Had food poisoning
17. Walked to the top of the Statue of Liberty
18. Grown your own vegetables
19. Seen the Mona Lisa in France
20. Slept on an overnight train
21. Had a pillow fight
22. Hitch hiked
23. Taken a sick day when you’re not ill
24. Built a snow fort
25. Held a lamb
26. Gone skinny dipping
27. Run a Marathon
28. Ridden in a gondola in Venice
29. Seen a total eclipse
30. Watched a sunrise or sunset
31. Hit a home run
32. Been on a cruise
33. Seen Niagara Falls in person
34. Visited the birthplace of your ancestors
35. Seen an Amish community
36. Taught yourself a new language
37. Had enough money to be truly satisfied
38. Seen the Leaning Tower of Pisa in person
39. Gone rock climbing
40. Seen Michelangelo’s David
41. Sung karaoke
42. Seen Old Faithful geyser erupt
43. Bought a stranger a meal at a restaurant
44. Visited Africa
45. Walked on a beach by moonlight
46. Been transported in an ambulance
47. Had your portrait painted
48. Gone deep sea fishing
49. Seen the Sistine Chapel in person
50. Been to the top of the Eiffel Tower in Paris
51. Gone scuba diving or snorkeling
52. Kissed in the rain
53. Played in the mud
54. Gone to a drive-in theater
55. Been in a movie
56. Visited the Great Wall of China
57. Started a business
58. Taken a martial arts class
59. Visited Russia
60. Served at a soup kitchen
61. Sold Girl Scout Cookies
62. Gone whale watching
63. Got flowers for no reason
64. Donated blood, platelets or plasma.
65. Gone sky diving
66. Visited a Nazi Concentration Camp
67. Bounced a check
68. Flown in a helicopter
69. Saved a favorite childhood toy
70. Visited the Lincoln Memorial
71. Eaten Caviar
72. Pieced a quilt
73. Stood in Times Square
74. Toured the Everglades
75. Been fired from a job
76. Seen the Changing of the Guards in London
77. Broken a bone
78. Been on a speeding motorcycle
79. Seen the Grand Canyon in person
80. Published a book
81. Visited the Vatican
82. Bought a brand new car
83. Walked in Jerusalem
84. Had your picture in the newspaper
85. Kissed a stranger at midnight on New Year’s Eve
86. Visited the White House
87. Killed and prepared an animal for eating
88. Had chickenpox
89. Saved someone’s life
90. Sat on a jury
91. Met someone famous
92. Joined a book club
93. Lost a loved one
94. Had a baby
95. Seen the Alamo in person
96. Swam in the Great Salt Lake
97. Been involved in a law suit
98. Owned a cell phone
99. Been stung by a bee
I’m a reasonable person. Just to be clear. I’m 21 years old (for 20 more days or so), and I understand the desire to have a good time. I don’t deny it– I’ve gone to parties before on this campus. And, admitedly, I’ve been to parties before that have pissed off neighbors.
That being said: I am a senior. I am writing a senior thesis, working 20+ hours a week at my job, and taking a full class schedule. I live in the “senior housing” development… in a condo that houses two other groups. Oberlin, as many of you know, chooses, now and then, to take the “cheapest way out”. When they realized that the floors in our bathrooms were molding, their solution was to put a 2 foot by 1 foot tile section in front of our shower… but nowhere else in the bathroom.
So you can imagine that when they built the housing development that I live in, a mere 4 years ago, they decided to cut some corners. One of these corners, was walls. Our walls, literally, are less than an inch thick. With no insulation. I know this, because when my neighbor gets dressed, I can hear his dresser drawers opening and closing. I know this, because when my neighbors walk downstairs in the morning, I can hear every stair creak. And don’t even get me started on the sex…
So why on earth would they think it was a good idea to install speakers? Wait- no. Ahem. Why on earth would they think it was a good idea to install speakers against THE WALL MY BEDROOM SHARES WITH THEM?
Yes. College students party. College students are supposed to get drunk on Friday night- and this absolutely requires cranking Chris Brown (whom, PS neighbors, was arrested a few nights ago for domestic violence against Rihanna. why are you still playing his music?) and whatever other song is mainstream right now (for example, “Just Dance”, which I can hear every word of right now, and is actually vibrating textbooks off my shelves).
Perhaps I am a snob. Perhaps I am beign ridiculous and old. But I am paying 8,000 dollars a year to live here. I am paying just shy of 10,000 dollars this year to SLEEP in this bedroom. And I intend to do just that. This is my home. The floor should not be vibrating beneath my feet at 1 AM, even on a Friday night, or I suppose a Saturday morning (to “American Boy” now).
Grow up. Realize that you can have a good time without testing the capability of your speakers. Don’t give in to the stereotypes that Oberlin so vivaciously denies participating in.
Load of crap.
This might as well be a Frat next door. My lap top is vibrating beneath my hands. Time to pop another Tylenol PM, and try to sleep through it.
100 days to graduation. And did I mention, as scared as I am of the real world, at least I won’t live next to assholes once I’m out of here?
you know you love me, xoxo.
in monday’s episode of the infamous gossip girl, the greatest obsession of our time, blair waldorf took a low-blow at none other than Oberlin. apparently Oberlin is not only a joke to us obies, but to all of the upper-east side as well. and while i have no problem with my mid-west liberal arts school being mentioned on my favorite show, i just want to make one thing very clear, ms. waldorf: you couldn’t handle my school.
i’m not talking academically- clearly, yale waitlisters can succeed at Oberlin- i’m talking socially. Oberlin is not the upper-east side… and it’s pretty far from the upper-west side as well.
there are some similarities between our worlds though, B.
-you have burlesque shows, and so do we. we have “drag ball”, in which the men of our campus dress up as burlesque women and perform.
-you have coffee, and so do we. ours is “fair-trade”, however.
-you have underage drinking. so do we. ours involves kegs and PBR, however. not cocktails.
-you have the MET as your personal lunch room. we have the “allen art museum”, which can actually hold its own as college museums go. (though it is rated third after your beloved yale and harvard)
-you have cliques, and so do we. only at oberlin, the popular kids who judge everyone else are the cigarette huffing hipsters who can’t meet your eyeline when talking to you.
B, you might still be able to “apply to Oberlin”, even though Yale is over you, but that doesn’t mean Oberlin would accept you. and i don’t mean the school, i mean the students.
as much as i would love to see you attempt to get off-campus housing before your senior year (or even then, if you are more fortunate than i), and argue that you shouldn’t be forced to eat in the dining halls because of a special diet (nope, doesn’t work), this is not the school for you.
you would be as lost as sarah palin in a debate. brand names have no standing here. in fact, they are a negative. and also, B, no dogs allowed.
so go ahead gossip girl, point out that Oberlin is a horrible match for Blair Waldorf- because it is. but don’t sell us short. vanessa, dan, and even serena, would probably be perfectly happy here.
and i’ve learned to adjust, as well.
Photo: CBS
and, can you imagine chuck bass here?
it is weird to be here in january. the last time i was here in january was 2 years ago. i almost feel returned to that state of mind- backtracked 2 years. back to when i was only just falling in love with clayton, and most of the snowy nights were spent in his warm house, such a trudge from campus, but worth every step.
perhaps that is why i feel so lonely. or maybe it’s because my housemates are all with their boyfriends right now, or at work. i live alone in this house.
i don’t think it’s the weather that is depressing me. sure, it’s not the most uplifting thing- 3 foot piles of snow everywhere, and in the single digits. to add insult to injury, my window is broken and won’t shut. however, apparently oberlin does not consider that an “emergency repair”. I do. I wouldn’t if it was April, but it’s 7 degrees outside. and windy, of course.
no, it can’t be the weather. while the cold is getting to me, and i do long to be able to wear the white jeans i recently bought, i was uplifted today by the promise of the change to come. we are at the end side of winter. i know this because at 5pm today i looked at the clock and couldn’t believe how late it was. no, that can’t be right, i thought, certain i had set my clock wrong the day before.
why did it seem like it should only be 2 or 3pm? i had gotten up at 8am. and then i realized it was the sun- it was still up, and well up. the last time i was in oberlin the sun was long gone by 4:15pm. today it didn’t disappear till 5:45pm… so that’s something.
it’s not the weather. and it’s not the fact that i feel like i have no friends… haha. i think it’s just that ever looming date, yet again.
may 25th.
please. i keep acting like i want you so badly. but if you want to take awhile to get here, that’d be okay too.
packed up today, to head back to oberlin for one last semester. it feels really strange to be going back… for the very last time. as juliana pointed out, so politely, in a facebook message recently: “it’s the end of an era”.
in the tv show friends, monica defines an era as “a significant period of time”, and rachel points out that perhaps “6 years” is not a signifiant period.
what about 4?
oddly enough i am quite certain that the significant part of college was not actually what i learned in class, but who i came to be.
i am so wildly different than i was when i started college, in 2005. the weird part is, i am incredibly changed from who i was freshman year, but i feel still like the girl i became a year or so in. for the first time in my life, i have felt comfortable as me for more than a year. in fact, for almost three years now, i have been the same (for the most part). i have not been striving for new goals and creating new careers. i have not been messing with my hair color and changing my wardrobe. i have not been searching for new friends and new places and new loves.
i am comfortable.
and more than that, i am driven. i want so much more now than i did then. i want to write novels, screenplays, articles. i want to use money for good, not fashion. i want to be in shape, and exercise. i want clarity and i want goodness. i want to make my parents proud.
maybe i was better off back then. all i cared about before was my opinion. if i could rationalize my behavior and my decisions and my grades, it was good enough. but now, it’s not. now i want to please not only myself, but my boyfriend. i want to please not only my self, but my boss. i want to please not only the little blonde selfish girl inside me, but my parents. i want to please my grand-parents. and my great-grandparents.
i feel powerful, and wise. i feel worth something… and i feel compelled to live up to what i know my parents believe i can do. i never felt that before… i just wanted to slide along. but somehow, through all the sliding, i have ended up here. with goals. and i know i can.
the other day my mom said i should write a screenplay about my dad’s baseball relative. she said it so simply, like, “kelsey, maybe when you graduate, if you haven’t found a job yet, you could write a screenplay”. there was no doubt.
i also recently realized that most of the jobs i want require a knowledge of spanish. clayton insisted that we learn it together… he’s always wanted to so let’s get going. why not? and i picked up a book and started learning. there was no doubt.
this fall my professor suggested i re-write a book my great-grandmother wrote. she offered to give me credit… and work with me on it. she assured me that she believed it was something that could be published. once again, no doubt.
i am the only one that doubts me, it appears. and that is going to stop. i have 4 months to convince myself i am capable. and once i have, i know i will leave oberlin confident, and more than appreciative, of everything it made possible for me.
Thank you. Simply being in your presence makes me feel like the hopeless romantic teenager I once was.
It is winter, but it doesn’t really feel that way. You make me want to write things down again- and I do. I wrote the date in my class journal the other day… February 16th. How do the days go by so quickly? It isn’t that I want them to anymore. I still don’t know how many days there are till Michigan and it’s not because I’m strong enough to not count them… it’s because I’m not strong enough to know how soon it has to end.
You told me the other night that you would keep what I had given you on Valentine’s day forever. “I will remember you forever.” It was exactly what I had always wanted to hear and yet, when I did, I didn’t like it. Why must we only remember each other forever? I can’t help but ask it too- why can’t it just be forever? Is it wrong that it feels this right? Sometimes when you win, you lose.
We do this thing. “Tell me a story.” My parents did it too, my mom says. I want to remember everything. A couple nights ago we read the story from the beginning. Your chat program saves every single conversation we’ve ever had- even from way back when we were just strangers who met briefly at a party. It seemed weird to me that it was all recorded- everything that had happened.
And it wasn’t. “Playwrights teach us nothing about love. They make it pretty, they make it comical, or they make it lust, but they cannot make it true.” Old IM convos teach us nothing about us. They make it pretty, they make it comical, or they make it lust, but they cannot make it us.
I have never been in love before, really. I once thought I was… and maybe I was, but it was never like this.
I don’t know how to tell you how much of me is going to die in June.
